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Millions of Millennials Hospitalized in ICUs With White Claw Withdrawal

— A WCW epidemic is here

MedpageToday

Disclaimer: This post is from , a satirical site about healthcare

A nationwide shortage of White Claw Hard Seltzer has led to an unprecedented surge in hospitalizations, with millions of millennials being admitted to intensive care units (ICUs) with life-threatening White Claw withdrawal (WCW).

"Forget the obesity epidemic, we got a White Claw epidemic on our hands," explained GomerBlog correspondent Brock Hammersley. "ICUs across the country are saturated and right now all we can offer is supportive management: intubation and vasopressors. But we all know there's only one remedy but we don't have it: more White Claw!"

Health care professionals report the clinical manifestations of WCW include lightheadedness, palpitations, diaphoresis, repeated mutterings of the phrase "I can't even," and suicidal tendencies. The presentation mimics symptomatic hypoglycemia, which does and doesn't make sense given White Claw's reputation for having less sugar and fewer calories. Patients present in a state of shock.

Doctors and nurses have pleaded with White Claw to ramp up production and develop new formulations beyond the traditional oral form, including intravenous, intramuscular, intraosseous, per rectal, intraocular, and other routes.

"If White Claw isn't available within the next 24-48 hours, we might see the entire millennial population wiped out," explained CDC Director Robert R. Redfield, MD, MPH. "Which, on second thought ..."